


Redwood Run Rewritten.

by RandomGuygoesviral



Category: Anime Campaign! (Web Series), Epithet Erased (Cartoon)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Canon Rewrite, Mild Gore, Mild Language, Rewrite, Screenplay/Script Format, Spoiler Character - Freeform, Spoilers, its hardly even gore, not beta read we die like Cracker Jack, you want something done right you have to do it yourself
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-07
Updated: 2020-05-16
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:27:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,647
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24056710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RandomGuygoesviral/pseuds/RandomGuygoesviral
Summary: Hi my name is Sirus and I rewrote all three 20+ minute episodes of Epithet Erased's Redwood Run arc to include a character who unceremoniously got nothing more than a name drop in the actual series.I love Meryl Lockhart and by god I am going to force the Epithet Erased fandom to love her, also.
Relationships: Listen it's very much hinted at but let me HAVE THIS, Meryl Lockhart/Ramsey Murdoch, Percival "Percy" King/Meryl Lockhart, Percival "Percy" King/Meryl Lockhart/Ramsey Murdoch, Percival "Percy" King/Ramsey Murdoch
Comments: 11
Kudos: 29





	1. Redwood Run

**Author's Note:**

> .... Do I regret doing this? Only for the fact that I lost sleep over it

EROS: Attention all units, attention all units. Looking for a patrol in the vicinity of Redwood Run, over. 

PERCY: Unit 375 reporting in, over. 

EROS: Hey, Percy.

MERYL: Uh.

EROS: Meryl. (pause) We just got a call from the insurance company. Sounds like the Donaldson kid crashed his car again. 

PERCY: Oh my. That makes… Five times this month. (She turns to Meryl) You owe me a dollar.

MERYL: We made a bet on that?

EROS: Yeah, that kid should not be driving… Anyways! The towing place blacklisted him so they’re not gonna pick him up anymore. Can you two head over there and… Give him a lift home?

PERCY: Of course, we’re on our way. 

EROS: Roger that! Stay frosty Perce. (Pause) You, too, Merry. Ca-click~

CAR CRASH: Oh, thank goodness… (Meryl gets out of the car) Hey officer, I- (Percy gets out of the car) AH! YOU! IT’S THE FUZZ!

MERYL: (yelps, hand on her gun)

PERCY: Yes hello. It is me, Miss. Fuzz. Greetings, citizen. You appear to be in an automotive pickle. Are you injured?

CAR CRASH: UHH. UHHHHH. 

PERCY: It appears you may be in shock. Allow me to in-

MERYL: (cutting in) I could shoot him! (she pulls out a gun and holds it in front of her completely seriously)

CAR CRASH: UHHHHHHH.

PERCY: Thank you, Meryl, but that will not be necessary. Allow me. (Percy reaches out her hand and focuses on the ground. Some nearby stones wriggle and converge, forming a small foundation. Then, suddenly, a tiny mushroom-like hut springs up from the ground and begins to emit a faint, pleasant aura.) Please, bask in the glow of my hut. My epithet allows me to construct small buildings that provide aid to those nearby.

MERYL: You don’t have to _tell_ him that!

PERCY: Yes, well. This apothecary will mend any physical wounds you may have sustained. Not mental wounds, though. It is not a substitute for a licenced psychotherapist. 

MERYL: Or a doctor. If you get hurt bad enough, a hut isn’t going to fix that. (there’s a moment where the camera lingers on Meryl’s face. The eyepatch is clearly visible.)

CAR CRASH: Uh… th-thanks. 

PERCY: As for your car… My expertise is primarily architectural, but… I might be able to do some quick repairs to get it up and… running… (whispering) Citizen. I… don’t mean to alarm you… But I believe I may have just spotted… a Banzai Blaster. 

MERYL: What?!

CAR CRASH: (nervously) Banzai Blaster, huh?! Out here in the woods?! That’s crazy! 

PERCY: I’m going to investigate. I suggest you stay in your car, and if anyone dangerous approaches, disguise yourself as a humble crash test dummy in it’s natural. Habitat. 

CAR CRASH: Uh… okay! 

(Percy exists)

MERYL: (exiting with Percy, looking threateningly at Car Crash) Stay safe.

CAR CRASH: Phew… that was close… If I’d had my uniform on I would have been…

(Zora enters, whistling Great At Crime) 

CAR CRASH: Huh?... Who is that? 

(Whistling fades out)

\---

PERCY: Oh… dear. What malaise has befallen this town? 

MERYL: Wow… this place is a wreck.

PERCY: Indeed! Criminals perched upon every stoop… And these buildings appear to contain more termites than wood. Hm.

MERYL: That’s… almost impressive, in it’s own weird way. (Percy cocks her sword. Meryl watches this, wide-eyed)

PERCY: Listen well, you reprobates!

MERYL: (Panicked, ready to pull out her gun) _Percy!_

PERCY: I am an officer of the law, as is my deputy here!

MERYL: Don’t you drag me into this-

PERCY: And as such, we request that you quietly and respectfully form a single-file line and march straight off to jail!

BLASTER: Huhuh, alright. Listen, Mr. Police officer-

MERYL & PERCY: (unison) Miss.

BLASTER: O-oh my gosh, I’m SO sorry! 

PERCY: It’s quite alright! Continue with your threat.

MERYL: **_Percy!_ **

BLASTER: Oh, thank you. Um. Sorry. Listen Ms. Police Officer...s! 

MERYL: (under her breath) Yep. Two of us.

BLASTER: You’re way outnumbered, here. 

PERCY: Numbers are not decisive in battle. One must also consider defences. As such, I will construct a Wizard Tower! (electrical charging) Fire! 

BLASTER: DFhffwgwghs!!! Ugh!

MERYL: (Pulling out her gun) I _will_ shoot you!

FEMALE BLASTER: H-Hey!

BLASTER 2: C’mon, guys! They can’t take us all at once! (wimpy battle cries) 

(There is a crack of thunder and the sound of a gun being fired)

\---

RAMSEY: Ah, now this is livin’! (He takes a sip out of his pinecone… or. Tries to, anyways)

(Ominous whistling)

RAMSEY: No…

ZORA: Yes!~ Heya, Ramsey. How ya’ doin’?

RAMSEY: Zora! How did you find me so fast!?

ZORA: C’mon, buddy! You ain’t exactly hard to track with that golden eye and gerbil face.

RAMSEY: Well too bad for you! As you can see, I have already been captured! I’m afraid that bounty is as good as gone! 

ZORA: Oh, Ramsey… You and I both know this ain’t a REAL prison… (GUNSHOT) 

(Ramsey’s body instinctively turns to gold wherever she’s aiming! She wiggles her pistol and watches the gold spot dance around his figure.) 

ZORA: Oh! Look at that! That’s fun, I can draw a smiley face! (gun cocks) (sigh) calm down, scaredy cat. It’s your lucky day! I just got a call from my boss! Got me a new job, which means my hunt for you is currently on hold. You’re safe!... For now. I’m here on friendly terms, so, how bout you be a friend and tell me all about that kid with the necklace, huh? He and I need to have a little chat… 

RAMSEY: (unhelpfully) Ya just missed him. 

ZORA: Tch. Shoot. Well… that’s fine. Huntin’ ain’t no fun ‘less there’s a chase involved. So tell ya what! I’mma do you a favor! You get a nice headstart and go n hide some place. Door’s open for ya! You’re a free man!... for now. But once I find that necklace… I’m comin’ for ya. (Ramsey is shaking) Of course, you can always stay here! If you think this prison cell’ll keep you safe. (she grabs one of the rusty old window bars and rips it off. It crumbles to dust in her hand…) Maybe the sheriff can protect you?~

GOROU: Oh, I’ll try, buddy! Pew, Pew! Pew! P- (gunshot) Whoop! Heh! Looks like the safety was off! Huhuh! Pew pew! Pew, pew!

ZORA: See ya soon, Ramsey! Bye!

RAMSEY: (Panicked) I gotta get outta here! 

PERCY: Is everything alright in there? 

MERYL: (shouting) I heard gunshots!

PERCY: My! This looks like some sort of ramshackle approximation of a police station! How quaint! 

MERYL: ‘Quaint’ isn’t exactly the word _I’d_ use for it… 

PERCY: Perhaps the criminals are working to reform their own habits in their free time!

MERYL: (sarcastically) How admirable. I just want to know why I heard gunshots.

PERCY: (flashing her badge) Detective Percival King, Sweet Jazz Police. (Pointing at Meryl) That is my deputy, Meryl Lockheart. Who’s in charge here? 

GOROU: Oh! That would be, uh… Me! I’m Gorou, Uh… Sheriff Gorou of uh… (he looks at his badge) Redwood Run! 

MERYL: _Uh-huh_.

PERCY: Sheriff, are you aware that several criminals are openly galavanting about your town? 

GOROU: Oh, yeah! 

PERCY: And why have you not made any move to arrest them?

GOROU: Oh, I would, but our prison is full! Heh! Look! 

RAMSEY: Hi :3

GOROU: I arrested him all by myself!

MERYL: (recognizing who Ramsey is immediately) **_Uh-huh._ **

PERCY: Very impressive. I was wondering if I could use your phone to call for reinforcements? 

GOROU: Oh, we don’t have a ‘phone’.

PERCY: I don’t understand. If you have no phone, then how do citizens alert you to nefarious goings-on? 

MERYL: They yell real lou-

GOROU: Yeah! They shout!

MERYL: That was… a joke. 

PERCY: Hmmm… I’d hoped to call for backup to deal with the large number of criminals on our hands… I lost quite a bit of stamina just in dealing with that crowd outside.

MERYL: You wouldn’t have if you had let me help more!

PERCY: That is… fair. However! (to Gorou) I don’t suppose you have an epithet? 

GOROU: Oh! Oh yeah! I-I’m the only one in town who does! I can blow REALLY hard! 

RAMSEY: Eh. There’s probably a joke there.

GOROU: Watch! (pathetic blowing) Oh! My donut! 

PERCY: I… see.

MERYL: _Wow_. 

PERCY: Well. Perhaps I should search elsewhere for backup. Someone in this town must have a mobile…

MERYL: (holding up her phone) mines dead. 

PERCY: Ah. Well then…

RAMSEY: Uh, hey, wait wait wait wait! Miss! You said you delt with ALL of those guys outside, right? 

PERCY: I’m not at liberty to disclose that information to a convict.

MERYL: (under her breath) Especially not one like _you_. 

RAMSEY: Your cop is showing. 

MERYL: We’re cops.

PERCY: Oh! E-Excuse me. 

RAMSEY: Thinking like that’s not gonna get you ANYWHERE in this town! Drop the cop! It’s time for crimmmmm-inal thinking! It was better in my head.

MERYL: I’m sure it was. 

PERCY: What are you saying? 

RAMSEY: To catch a criminal, you gotta THINK like a criminal! And I just so happens to be one! You let me outta here, and I’ll help the two of ya catch a dozen bad guys for the price… of one. Whaddaya say? 

PERCY: A veritable Trolly Problem of justice… the mind of a criminal is… a dangerous place. And one that is quite foreign to me.

MERYL: No duh, Percy-

PERCY: Your knowledge could prove invaluable. 

MERYL: _What?!_

RAMSEY: Yeah, yeah! You let me outta here and keep me protected from… any dangerous folks we might run into, and _I_ help you catch the bad guys! Seems like a fair trade to me!

PERCY: Hm.

MERYL: (tugging Percy to the side) Percy. Percy. Are you sure about this?

PERCY: The knowledge he has could prove to be very important to our cause!

MERYL: Yes, I know, I just- I don’t- I don’t know how much I trust this guy.

PERCY: While I do understand your concern, he is a criminal after all, I do not think we have much of a choice. He seems… harmless enough (pan to Ramsey, he still has his gerbil face). And other than that, we do not have much else to go off of!

MERYL: I- ugh- I _hate_ that you’re right. Just- just don’t look at me if this guy goes and stabs us in the back.

PERCY: I will not let him do any harm to you, Meryl.

MERYL: Percy, that isn’t what I was saying and you know it. 

PERCY: I do. (turning back to Ramsey) Very well. Let us away. 

RAMSEY: Great! You uh… Y’wanna cuff me first, or we just freeballin’ here? 

PERCY: Do you have an epithet?

RAMSEY: (clearly lying) Eh… Nah! NAH! Mundie born and bred! 

MERYL: ‘Mundie born and bred’, huh?

RAMSEY: Yep! Yeah, absolutely! One hundred and ten percent mundie! That’s me! 

PERCY: Well in that case there’s no need. I should be able to manage you just fine. 

RAMSEY: Wow. Way to make a guy feel powerless!

PERCY: Well, in a literal sense, you are. 

RAMSEY: Ooooh.~ Two for two from the boys in blue, alright.

PERCY: Meryl here is a mundie, she is perfectly capable of handling herself. Are you?

RAMSEY: Yeesh, alright. 

MERYL: I mean, it’s a fair question. 

GOROU: Oh! Wait! Hang on! Before you guys go, take this with ya! (it is a gun)

PERCY: Ah. Some extra firepower for our investigation, I take it? 

GOROU: Oh, oh no! I just give guns to everyone who visits the police station! 

MERYL: You _what?!_

GOROU: After all, (chuckles) it’s what a sheriff’s for, right? 

PERCY: Sheriffs are for… solving crimes.

GOROU: Really? Heh. Uh oh. 

\---

GIOVANNI: God, look at me. I’m turning into Debbie. (crunch)

PERCY: Ah, the tavern. A classic gathering place of scalawags and ne’er-do-wells. This partnership is already proving fruitful.

MERYL: Oh, I _really_ do not like _this_ place. 

RAMSEY: Uh, yeah, sure. This place sure is _fruitful_. Say, let’s get somethin’ to drink, huh? All I’ve had today is pinecones...

MERYL: Pinecones?

RAMSEY: Ey! Barkeep! Shirley Temple, wouldja?

PERCY: This place is just crawling with scoundrels... hmm…

MERYL: (looking at Giovanni) Isn’t that that Banzai Blaster you’ve been after?

PERCY: (gasp) Just the man I’ve been looking for! Excellent work, partner! 

MERYL: Wh- _hey!_

RAMSEY: What- huh?

PERCY: You there, at the bar! Sweet Jazz Police! I hereby place you under arrest for the theft of the Arsene Amulet! 

GIOVANNI: Police lady?!

ALL: _Police lady?!_ (The entire group draws their guns)

CAT: Meow (pulls out gun) 

MERYL: Oh god! (she, too, pulls out her gun)


	2. All's Well That Ends Well

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> These chapters were all pre-written sdjdfjjfkfg. This is the one with the bar fight! And also Giovanni!

PERCY: Sweet Jazz Police! I hereby place you under arrest for the theft of the Arsene Amulet!

GIOVANNI: Police lady?!

ALL: _Police lady?!_ (they pull out their guns)

(Bugsy and Arnold grunt)

GIOVANNI: Ah!

MERYL: **_Ah!_ **

BUGSY: Well, well, well… It’s those little cops who thought they could mess with our men! 

MERYL: (backing up) I had no part in that decision! 

PERCY: You’ve damaged the establishment’s door. I hope you intend to repair that. 

BUGSY: (chubby chortle) Hear that, boys?! She thinks she can give me orders! (Bugsy laughs) Eh? LAUGH! 

ALL: (Insincere laughter)

ARNOLD: Look around you! In case you haven’t noticed, you’re completely surrounded!

PERCY: Yes…

MERYL: I have a gun and I _will_ use lethal force if provoked! 

PERCY: That and… my state of being surrounded is a sobering reminder of how many have been failed by our society… You have my sympathy. But not my surrender.

MERYL: Percy!

BUGSY: Ergh- what the?! What?!

PERCY: Well. That wasn’t so hard, now was it? 

BUGSY: Wh…? What are you punks waiting for? FIRE! (gunshots)

(confused Banzai noises) 

BUGSY: WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU BOZOS AIMIN AT?!

BLASTER: It’s not us sir! Look! The bullets!

MERYL: I can’t shoot with my stuff like this, either!!

PERCY: Boing~ It seems none of you scofflaws noticed the magnetic field I erected between my Wizard Towers. Perhaps if you’d spent more of your school days studying magical physics instead of drug-peddling and chicanery you would’ve been better prepared. Your firearms have been rendered useless! Surrender to the law! 

MERYL: My firearms have _also_ been rendered useless! (she seems genuinely distressed) 

ARNOLD: Maybe you should have spent more time studying math! There’s twenty of us and only one of you! GET HER! 

\---

GIOVANNI: You sold me out to a COP?! 

RAMSEY: Hey, hey hey hey, I didn’t know she was after you specifically! 

GIOVANNI: Oh, yeah right! First those guys take the necklace and now this? 

RAMSEY: Wh- you LOST THE NECKLACE!? IT’S BEEN TEN MINUTES!

GIOVANNI: THEY WERE MEAN, OKAY!? (Banzai Blaster wailing) I gotta get outta here- HEY! Bar Guy! Is there a back door?! 

HOWDY MORNIN: I dunno! I haven’t been able to taste, smell, or see in TEN YEARS! 

RAMSEY: (inhales) I’ll do my best to draw her attention. You look for an opening, and try to sneak out of here! Hey! Cop! You’re lookin for the amulet thing, right? I think the big guy over there has it! 

PERCY: Indeed. Banzai Vice Principals, the third of the seven Banzai ranks. That young man must’ve come here to hand the amulet off to his superiors. 

GIOVANNI: THAT’S NOT WHAT HAPPENED! 

RAMSEY: Make like your necklace and get lost, kid. 

PERCY: It’s fortunate that I happened upon this place. I’d love to focus on apprehending you all, but my superiors were clear: The recovery of the amulet takes priority! 

MERYL: So _I_ came along to be the one to help deal with any complications. But _I_ can’t use my gun! So that plan is _kinda_ out the window! 

BUGSY: Yeah, well-

PERCY: En garde! 

HOWDY MORNIN: Well I’ll be! A good, old-fashioned brawl! (hoedown laughter) I haven’t seen one o’ them in years! CAT! Hand me my gun! 

CAT: Mew! :3

HOWDY MORNIN: I hope I don’t forget that I’m blind again! 

GIOVANNI: Uhhhhhhhh

PERCY: Don’t worry! His bullets are useless so long as my magnetic field stays up!

HOWDY MORNIN: Oh, this ain’t buckshot! It’s the HOUSE SPECIAL! SPELL-EM-UP SOUP!! Now featurin’ up to twenty two letters of the alphabet! $3.99 with your choice of side! ASK ABOUT OUR SENIOR DISCOUNT! (manic laughter) 

RAMSEY: Look out, he’s got SOUP!

MERYL: How is that even possible?!

PERCY: My God! The letters in that soup could be rearranged to form any number of messages!... and sometimes knowledge is the most DANGEROUS WEAPON OF ALL!

HOWDY MORNIN: Coooome an’ GET IT! (soupy gunshot) 

ARNOLD: Hoh!

BUGSY: OUT OF MY WAAAY! (chewing) Ah… (BIG) It’s time to show you fools the power of a Banzai Vice Principal! (Bugsy hovers a finger over his belly button…)

BLASTER: Ah! Look out! THAT’S THE BOSS’S SPECIAL MOVE!!

BLASTER: Take cover! Who knows what's gonna happen?!

BUGSY: (rattling and chortling) Huh hah hah hah hah hah! (BURP) 

RAMSEY: What was that?!

PERCY: Some kind of ice blast?!

MERYL: OH GOD! (Her gun fires. The bullet plinks harmlessly around the room and out the open door)

BUGSY: (pats his oversized stomach like a hippo.) Hmmm… Not bad! My power is fueled by food! When I press this button, it launches an attack! What comes out is randomized, so normally I have to eat quite a few things before I get something good! But with Arnold here… 

ARNOLD: We get two… for one! Hah! (coupon chime) (BIG) 

(Bugsy burps. There’s a freezing sound.) 

PERCY: Oh dear.

ARNOLD: Now that’s what I call a bargain! Never underestimate the power of a smart shopper! 

TOWNIE 1: These inscribed are crazy! 

TOWNIE 2: Let’s get outta here!

TOWNIE 3: Damn epithet users, ruinin’ are bar!

ARNOLD: You wanna take them out, too? 

BUGSY: Let em run. I’m just interested in the cop! (he glances over at Meryl. She is still jittering lightly) The both of em. 

MERYL: Oh no…

RAMSEY: Uhhh… what are you doing?! Zap him before he gets any closer! 

PERCY: I would, but I’m afraid my stamina is quite low after that acrobatic maneuver. If I use my epithet much more, I’ll pass out… also my arm is frozen. 

RAMSEY: Ah, geez, uh… uh… (Ramsey grabs a pack of crayons from his pocket and holds them up, menacingly!) Hey!... Don’t move! I got crayons!

MERYL: And I have a gun! I am _not_ afraid to use lethal force! I-I can shoot! 

ARNOLD: (to Ramsey) What are you gonna do? Color outside the lines?

BUGSY: (to Meryl) I’m not scared of a little peashooter, lady! Outta the way, eyeball and patch. 

RAMSEY: O-okay! You asked for it! 

MERYL: That counts as assault of a police officer! I-I’m using force!

(Ramsey turns so Percy and Meryl can’t see and changes the tips of the crayons to gold! He sharpens them like darts and CHUCKS them at Bugsy’s belly. At the same time, Meryl fumbles shakily with her gun, aiming it and clumsily releasing the entire clip on Bugsy. It doesn’t do nearly as much damage as hoped.)

BUGSY: (looking around) That hurt! 

PERCY: Goodness… I knew Meryl could shoot but- What brand of crayons are those?! I certainly hope children aren’t buying them… Or worse! CONSUMING THEM! 

MERYL: Why would anyone _eat_ crayons?

RAMSEY: Well I… was in jail for forgin some things, eh, fine arts and such, they’re uh, forger’s crayons! Extra tough!

PERCY: They crayons of debauchery, then. What a fiendish weapon to conceal beneath the facade of childlike innocence.

RAMSEY: Okay. 

BUGSY: Ugh. Arnold! 

ARNOLD: Right! (the sound of savings) 

BUGSY: Ahh…

RAMSEY: Uhhh, he’s still moving!

MERYL: Why is he still moving?!

ARNOLD: Unfortunately for you, I’ve exchanged that pathetic crayon attack… For one of EQUAL OR LESSER VALUE! 

BUGSY: Appreciate the snack, through. (chomp) 

PERCY: HE’S CONSUMED THE DEBAUCHERY! 

BUGSY: (rattling laughter) 

RAMSEY: He’s doin’ something! Hey! You! You got any other tricks up your sleeve?!

HOWDY MORNIN: I used to be a government experiment! 

RAMSEY: Yeah, that’s about right...

MERYL: This is the _worst_ possible thing in the world. 

(Bugsy continues laughing and then promptly coughs up some rubber ducks. You know. That sound that everyone has heard before. Coughing up rubber ducks.) 

MERYL & RAMSEY: (near perfect unison) Am I having an aneurysm? What is happening?! (There’s a moment of understanding between the two of them)

RAMSEY: What is your power?!

MERYL: How did you just- produce rubber ducks?! I don’t- what?!

RAMSEY: Are you some kinda… failed magician? 

BUGSY: It only failed because your crayons were low quality! I need something worthy of my refined pal-eyy. Old man! Soup! Now! 

HOWDY MORNIN: Hoo hoo hoo hoooo boy! Been a long time since I shot a customer in the FACE!

MERYL: That is NOT a thing you should have _ever_ done!

HOWDY MORNIN: Open wide, fella! 

PERCY: We can’t let the soup hit his maw! 

GIOVANNI: Wait, hang on! Let him do it! 

RAMSEY: YOU’RE STILL HERE?! 

GIOVANNI: Gimme two seconds! 

(Manic laughter and soupy chomps) 

HOWDY MORNIN: BANG! BANG! (hoedown laughter) 

BUGSY: Huh huh huh huh… (Steam train whistle, Bugsy panicking) Pfft- PLAAAAH!!! 

RAMSEY:... okay.

MERYL: (overlapping) Why me? 

ARNOLD: What happened?!

BUGSY: Beeguh… (lisped) Hot! Ish hot… What’s the big idea, old man?! You tryin’ to kill me!? 

GIOVANNI: It wasn’t the old man… It was I! GIOVANNI POTAGE!! 

BUGSY: (thrown into table) Oof! Ow!!! 

GIOVANNI: (evil laughter) Tremble, fools! And feel the awesome sting of my ULTIMATE ATTACK! SOUP THAT IS TOO HOT!!! (cackling) 

ARNOLD: H-h-hey, hey, hey- 

GIOVANNI: (mocking) H-H-H-H-Hey! What are you gonna do, huh!? Call your scared little minions to stop me!? They’re too busy hiding under the tables! Hah ha! Guess you're not very strong after all, huh? Seriously, though. You guys should quit the Banzai Blasters and follow me! GIOVANNI POTAGE!!!! 

PERCY: So, ‘Giovanni Potage’ is your name. Duly noted!

MERYL: I am… writing that down! 

GIOVANNI: WHAT. NO. N-NUH UH. UH… That’s my… uh… stage name! I’m… holding it for a friend? Aw... dangit… 

ARNOLD: You think you can just shoplift my minions? I’ll show you! (he pulls out his wallet and begins flipping through coupons like a soccer mom!) 

GIOVANNI: You stop that. 

ARNOLD: Ah, my coupons! 

GIOVANNI: The only sale going on here is two LOSERS for the price of ONE! Which is YOU! HAH! GOTTEM! LATER NERDS! (super villain cackle) Oh- excuse me.

GOROU: No, no. My fault entirely. Sorry, friend! 

GIOVANNI: Nah, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.

PERCY: Sheriff! Thank goodness you’re here! A bar fight has broken out!

GOROU: Oh no!!! Is my take out okay?!

MERYL: That should be the _least_ of your concerns in this situation!

HOWDY MORNIN: Here ya’ go, sheriff! One bag of alphabet soup, hold the soup! 

GOROU: Oh wow, great! Now I can rearrange the letters and finally learn how to spell! 

PERCY: Sheriff, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but there’s an overabundance of criminals on the premises! 

GOROU: Wow!!! That’s scary! 

PERCY: Sheriff!

MERYL: How is this place not in even worse condition?! 

PERCY: (sighs) Well… At least I learned the Banzai Blaster’s name. 

MERYL: I have it written down, just in case.

PERCY: And that hot soup did manage to melt the ice binding me...

MERYL: At least one good came out of this.

PERCY: Which means… All that’s left to do is clean up the mess. 

ARNOLD (stammering) Uh, Bugsy! You alright?

BUGSY: (struggling) GET EM! 

ARNOLD: Right! Get out from under those tables, you cowards! C’mon! My ability allows you to attack with the power of five men!... eh, but only if four of you attack at the same time. 

(Ramsey just casually walks behind Arnold and turns his coupons to gold.)

MERYL: Wh- hey! (She looks to see if Percy noticed. Percy… is oblivious to the obvious use of an epithet) 

ARNOLD: Wh- NO! MY COUPONS!!! You can’t scan the barcode if it’s gold! Now they’re worthless!!! 

BUGSY: (blubbering) Hmm… Well. There’s only one thing to do in a situation like this! Sayonara, suckers! (he runs out) 

ARNOLD: Bugsy! You ten-ton tub of worthless! Get back here and help me!!! 

BUGSY: (distantly) Laaaateeeer!!

ARNOLD: (laughing nervously) Bye! 

(Ramsey trips him) 

RAMSEY: Heh.

MERYL: Good job.

RAMSEY: Gee, thanks.

PERCY: A valiant effort. But I’m afraid no one escapes the long arm of the law. Now then…

MERYL: Where did the big guy run off to? (she points her gun at Arnold) 

ARNOLD: Hah! I ain’t gonna sell him out! 

RAMSEY: Oooh, that’s a real shame. ‘Cause if ya do I bet this bar has some pretty great deals we could offer you on meals!... If you talk. 

MERYL: Huh. Yeah. _Yeah_. (she seems to have gained a bit of respect for Ramsey) 

RAMSEY: (to Howdy Mornin) You uh… you got some coupons, yeah? You got deals? 

HOWDY MORNIN: I’ve got a coupon that takes 20 dollars off of your next meal!... it’s called a twenty dollar bill! (slap) If you buy a meal over 5 dollars in value, you get two sides and dee-sert for free! Plus, a complimentary play on our deer-hunting arcade machine that doesn’t work! 

RAMSEY: Whaddya think? Pretty good deal, huh? It’s a limited time offer!~

ARNOLD: Uh… I-I shouldn’t, but… Hoo… the potential savings! Oh, that stuff really adds up! Oooohohohooo… Alright! We were plannin’ to hop a ride outta here on the train station out west! It’s just a little ways into the woods. Now gimme! 

PERCY: Understood. Come along partner. (she glances at Meryl) You, too, deputy. We… haven’t a moment to lose! Sir, I trust we can leave this man in your custody until we return? 

MERYL: (Sarcastically) Okay, I guess you didn’t forget me, but jeez. Four years and i’m just a ‘deputy’

HOWDY MORNIN: Suure… (manic laughing) I’m REAL trustworthy… (untrustworthy hoedown laughter) Here, cat! Hold m’ gun! 

PERCY: (unfazed) Very good. Don’t let him out of your sight! 

HOWDY MORNIN: Okay! Still blind! I guess that means you’re outta my sight! Cat! Hand me my gun. 

ARNOLD: (meep) 

\---

RAMSEY: Train station, train station… Eh, maybe I can hop on one of the cars and head outta here before Zora even knows I’m gone! Nah, those rickety things are so slow I might as well be walkin. And she could track me through the forest… but so long as I have Wizard Cop and Trigger Happy, I should be safe. 

PERCY: (pained panting, Meryl is at her side) Ah…

RAMSEY: Whoa. You alright? 

PERCY: Apologies… I know time is of the essence, but I… haven’t fully recovered from that last encounter, yet… I’m afraid my stamina pool is… rather low. 

MERYL: I could- you know, (she pulls out her gun) shoot if you need it? (there’s a sense that Meryl can heal with her gun)

PERCY: No, no. That won’t be necessary. You needn’t also drain your stamina away. I only wish that I had the foresight to pick up a drink from that tavern… 

RAMSEY: I… got a pinecone if you want it? 

PERCY: Oh, gladly! Thank you very much! (sipping) 

RAMSEY: Uh, how are you doing that!?

MERYL: **_Huh_ **.

PERCY: Hm? Oh! Have you never before supped upon pined cone? It’s quite simple! You just have to know the proper way to milk the cone.

RAMSEY: Never say those words ever again.

MERYL: (sarcastically) Wow, a sentence has never sounded so appealing. 

PERCY: Ahh… Well. It’s not much, but it helps. Thank you… I’m sorry. I just realized I never asked your name.

RAMSEY: Oh, uh… Ramsey. 

PERCY: Ramsey! 

MERYL: _Ramsey_.

PERCY: Hm. Something about that seems… familiar, somehow. 

RAMSEY: HUNGH

PERCY: Well, I’m sure it’s nothing.

MERYL: (glaring at Ramsey) Yeah. Nothing at all.

PERCY: Well met! I am Detective Percival King. And this is my deputy. (she looks at Meryl)

MERYL: Minnerva Lockheart. I’m a field medic. 

RAMSEY: (giving both of them a handshake with crossed arms) Hey, how ya doin? Uh, so Detective. You, uh… You zap people, huh? Bet you zap people a lot, bet you zap em pretty good? N… (too Meryl) You shoot? You’re a real sharp shooter, eh? 

PERCY: I zap only in accordance with the law.

MERYL: I shoot when I’m authorized to. (illegal zap) Ah!

TOWNIE: Dagnabit! 

RAMSEY: That’s public property, officer.

PERCY: The quality of my buildings is only as good as their foundation. And I’m finding much of this town is unsuited for construction. Take that well, for instance. There’s nothing… well about it. (Meryl snickers) Hah. A little joke at grammar’s expense. I have now broken the ice. 

RAMSEY: Wait, there was a tavern and a well 20 feet away and that sheriff was serving me pinecones?! There better not be any water in this thing! 

PERCY: We can easily find out the answer to that query… to the tune of one Canadian Dollar. (ting)

MERYL: (looking down the well as the coin falls) I wish, I _wish_ , with all my heart, that everything goes well and nobody has to die- (plink)

PERCY: Ah. It appears to be naught but mud. 

WELL WATCHER: Ain’t had any water in that well for twenty-odd years. I oughta know. I’m the Well Watcher. 

RAMSEY:... Yeah? Uh, how’s that pay? 

WELL WATCHER: No one gets paid in Redwood Run!

MERYL: That is. _Incredibly_ illegal! 

RAMSEY: There’s a dollar at the bottom of that well.

(The Well Watcher scrambles and jumps into the well) 

RAMSEY: _Okay_. 

MERYL: So much for that wish- wait oh god is he dead?! 

PERCY: That is strange… I do not think… I have ever been to Canada! Mysteries upon mysteries! 

WELL WATCHER 2: Looks like there’s an open spot for Well Watcher. (illegal zap) 

MERYL: Is _he_ dead?! 

SKY WATCHER: Guess I’ve been promoted to Sky Watcher. 

PERCY: Congratulations! :) 

RAMSEY: Okay, we’re going. 

PERCY: Right! We can’t let those criminals escape! 

RAMSEY: Eh… By the by, you think it’s okay to leave that coupon guy back in the tavern like that? 

MERYL: Speaking of that guy… nice going with that deals thing you pulled. That was actually… kinda smart.

RAMSEY: Thank you! I try.

PERCY: Oh! But not to worry, those were eraser cuffs I put on him. 

RAMSEY: (nervous laughter) Oh, you got eraser cuffs, huh? 

PERCY: Every self-respecting officer carries a pair or two on their person, just in case of epithet-related tomcanery. (As Percy pulls out a pair, Meryl does too) Of course, I must be careful with them. Anyone in contact with them forgets their own epithet entirely, myself included. 

RAMSEY: (nervous laughter) Haha, yeah, wouldn’t want to lose your epithet! Lemme just write down a little note for myself, totally unrelated! (writing down) You can make gold, you can morph gold, you can turn yourself into gold, don’t forget, don’t forget, don’t forget! 

PERCY: Indeed! I’d be quite useless without my abilities. 

MERYL: P…

RAMSEY: You keep sayin stuff like that. Y’know, if ya keep underestimatin’ mundies? They might just surprise you.

MERYL: They might, yeah.

PERCY: Oh? 

RAMSEY: (he taps his golden eye) Wasn’t an inscribed who did this to me, I’ll tell you that much.

MERYL: Huh. (she seems to understand that. The camera focuses on her face for a moment) That’s… fair. 

RAMSEY: You never really know what people are capable of. So keep an eye out… Or else y’might lose one. (he looks at Meryl. There’s an unspoken understanding between them)

PERCY: Hm. I’ll be sure to keep that in mind.

MERYL: It’s a good thing to remember, yeah.

\---

(there are construction sounds as the trio continues on to the next area)

PERCY: Just as I feared… More Banzai Blasters… 

MERYL: Maybe we should have radioed for some more backup before coming to town? I’m sure we could have convinced Eros to actually come or something.

RAMSEY: Yeah, good point! Maybe we better head back to the city or anywhere else! Just… get as far away from here as possible, y’know? Eh… we can find more cops that way! That- uh- Erin guy or whatever!

MERYL: Eros.

RAMSEY: Gesundheit.

MERYL: That’s not… ugh…

RAMSEY: Right but uh- yeah! You know! Cops like cops! That’s why they’re always refusing to prosecute each other! 

MERYL: Uh-huh…

PERCY: I’m afraid not. To give up the chase now would be to guarantee their escape. 

MERYL: Does… does it matter that much? We didn’t even come here for this. Only to help out the Donaldson kid. And- _oh my_ **_god_ ** _we forgot about the Donaldson kid he’s still waiting in his car-_

PERCY: Certainly it does matter, Meryl! These are criminals with a very valuable artifact in their possession! 

MERYL: It was worth a shot.

RAMSEY: Sure was! (He pats her shoulder)

MERYL: (Meryl pulls out a gun and points it at Ramsey) Don’t touch me.

RAMSEY: (flinching back) Augh- Okay! 

MERYL: I… don’t see the big guy anywhere.

RAMSEY: How do the two of you wanna handle this?

PERCY: Any buildings I construct on a dirt floor will be weak… and my stamina is still low.

MERYL: I’m just a medic… kinda.

PERCY: We’ll have to play this carefully… I’ll construct a Forge to increase our defenses!

MERYL: I could just- well nevermind. 

PERCY: Perhaps we could lure them into some kind of trap… next I’ll lay down a Wizard Tower-

???: Percival King! 

PERCY: Howie Honeyglow… 

HOWIE: What’re you doin’ here, Percy? This is my claim! You lookin’ to take another job from me and my worker bees!? (the androgonous fellas jeer at her) 

PERCY: Stand down, Howie. I’m on police business. 

HOWIE: Hmm… 

RAMSEY: You uh… you know this guy? 

PERCY: Indeed. Howie Honeyglow. Contractor and builder-for-hire. In addition to my police work, I do some architectural consultation on the side. 

MERYL: Which she’s just as good at as police stuff.

PERCY: Well. Howie and I often find ourselves applying for the same positions. He’s one of the best. 

HOWIE: Have to be if you wanna stay alive in this business... if someone else can throw up a building in two hours with their epithet? That just means we gotta do it in one.

MERYL: So is the mentality.

(Howie begins buildin’ at an unbelievable speed, splittin iron and sealin’ rivets in the blink of an eye, like the buildin’ he’s assembling is a toy in a commercial!) 

RAMSEY: So… he’s got some kind of building power? 

MERYL: Nope! Howie is a mundie tried and true! 

RAMSEY: Wow… 

PERCY: You said it yourself: They can surprise you. 

HOWIE: You can be as mundane as you like when you know how to do your goddamned job. 

BANZAI BLASTER: Hey! That’s them! Those are the cops that boss told us about! Nobody move or I will shoot you with my gun! (Meryl raises her gun in defense)

(Clang, Clang, Clang)

BANZAI BLASTER: Um, hello? Did you hear me?! I said “don’t move”! 

HOWIE: I ain’t involved here. You do your job. I’ll do mine. (gunshot, shatter) 

BANZAI BLASTER: I’m for realises right now! Don’t mess with us, man! 

BANZAI BLASTER 2: Yeaah, we’re the Banzai Blasters, and as of right now we own this town!

(Pan up. Howie stands and raises his wrench) 

BANZAI BLASTER: Did you hear me?! I said don’t- (METAL CRUNCH- Howie bends the wrench in half) Uh… 

(Howie grunts and throws the wrench at the Banzai Girls. They’re knocked to the ground with a yelp and the wrench comes back to Howie like a boomerang. He catches it and straightens it back out.) 

HOWIE: I said… Let me do. My goddamned job. (Howie’s card appears! He is… way too strong!) 

BANZAI BLASTER: U-uh… y-yes sir!

BANZAI BLASTER 3: What the heck? They didn’t tell us there was a monster like that here! 

BANZAI BLASTER 2: Yaaah! The only one we were supposed to keep an eye out for was that useless sheriff!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like. Like always. Please validate my dumb of ass with kudos n comments. I am desperate.


	3. Winner Take Alll

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They beat up Zora in this one! Meryl finally has a few times to shine!!

PERCY: Howie. A moment of your time? It’s police business. 

HOWIE: I’m listenin’.

PERCY: My associates and I are currently searching for a rotund man in a bib. 

HOWIE: Mm. Yeah, I saw ‘im. Came in on the train this mornin’. Made a big racket around my construction site about he was real big and powerful with his epithet. Made it hard to work. Hasn’t been back since. 

PERCY: Drat. 

HOWIE: I’m glad you’re here, though. Nice to see somebody’s doin’ their job around here. (offended Meryl noise) Came into town today on a whim ‘cause I heard this place needed fixin’ up. Thought it’d be a nice, relaxin’ day of work. But ever since I got here, this place has been pissin’ me off! Went into town to get my worker bees some {Honeyed Snacks} since they were doin’ such a good job… and then that sheriff was playin’ hopscotch with those Banzai Blasters instead of arrestin’ them! 

RAMSEY: Was he winning?

HOWIE: NO!! HE WASN’T WINNIN’!!! He was just standin’ there, NOT doin’ his JOB!!!! OooooOOOooohhh and don’t even get me started on that Well Watcher! 

MERYL: I think he might be dead. 

HOWIE: I can’t STAND seein’ people with jobs they ain’t qualified for! 

RAMSEY: (to Meryl) What makes you qualified to watch a well?

MERYL: I have no clue.

HOWIE: Ooooh, it makes me SICK! Makes my blood boil! (grumbles) Makes me so mad I can’t even words!... 

MERYL: Um… speaking of jobs- we should pay more attention so _ours_ doesn’t end up making a run for it. 

BANZAI BLASTER: Aw... c’mon lady! Be cool. ;) 

PERCY: Everyone knows the coolest thing to be… is an upright citizen. 

BANZAI BLASTER 2: LAAAAME. 

BANZAI BLASTER 3: Wh-what do we do? The bosses aren’t back yet! 

BANZAI BLASTER: Forget the bosses! LET’S CHEESE IT!! (cheeses) Don’t all cheese it in the same direction, you idiots!! 

BANZAI BLASTER 2: There’s nowhere else to go!

PERCY: It appears both your cheese and your escape plan are… full of holes.

BANZAI BLASTER 3: Quick! Over the side! (scampering) 

PERCY: Ah. Wasn’t expecting that. I’ll construct a Wizard- Aw. Drat. My stamina is too low!

(ain’t no hampering this scampering) 

(There’s the sound of a gunshot and then the impact against metal)

BANZAI BLASTER 3: What the?- 

BANZAI BLASTER 2: Uh… the lock on the container broke! 

(appleanch, the girls scream) 

BANZAI BLASTER: Pleh! I can’t MOVE! 

BANZAI BLASTER 2: Ugh! Me neither! Stupid health food!

BANZAI BLASTER 3: This is why my diet consists exclusively of cereal marshmallows. 

PERCY: Thank you very much for that assist, Howie. 

RAMSEY: (cutting in) Actually, that one was on Merrieeeeee-l. Meryl. She did that. 

MERYL: Oh. I. Uh. Yeah. I- I saw that the lock was weak and I- um- took aim.

PERCY: Oh! Well, then! Thank you very much Meryl, I’m glad you took initiative! 

HOWIE: (nodding) I can appreciate when someone does their goddamn job. 

PERCY: (sighing) I’m afraid I was… at a loss there without my epithet.

HOWIE: ...Hm. (he digs around in his toolbox and produces a {HONEYED SNACK}. He tosses it down to Percy.) Here Percy. It’s a {HONEYED SNACK}. Workin’ man’s food… cures what ails ya’. Puts a grin on your chin.

RAMSEY: That! Looks like a screw covered in honey! 

HOWIE: (CHOMP) Workin’ man's food. (gulp) 

MERYL: I- guys I’m a healer- (she waves her gun around frantically) 

HOWIE: Oh, and uh, Percy? No need to thank me for the treat. Know it must be hard to uh, do your job when you come unprepared and can’t wiggle your fingers and magic your way through it. (Meryl snorts)

PERCY: Was that a jab? 

HOWIE: Might’a been. 

PERCY: Was that a _challenge?_

HOWIE: Might’a been. 

PERCY: Hm. Hm! Well then! It seems my honor as a police officer has been called into question! And the only way I’ll be able to satisfy you… 

MERYL: P, _please_ don’t- (Percy takes a bite into the {SNACK}.) 

PERCY:... is to do my job. (gulp!) Very well! I declare that, despite my low energy, and the odds, I will capture every criminal lurking in this town! 

MERYL: (looking at Ramsey) Every one, hm?

PERCY: Every last schemer and scoundrel here! 

ZORA: Hey now, that’s the spirit! Hiya~

(funky intro time that everyone jams along to) 

\----

RAMSEY: Zora!

PERCY: Zora Salazar… 

MERYL: Salazar.

ZORA: Aw, you recognize me?~ 

PERCY: Any self-respecting officer of the Sweet Jazz Police Force would recognize you. 

MERYL: You’re one of the four leading officers of Bliss Ocean, the mundie terrorist group. 

ZORA: I’m flattered… Though I prefer “bounty hunter” to “terrorist”. 

PERCY: Have you ever hunted someone with a bounty higher than your own?

MERYL: Of which, is _the_ highest in the **_world?_ **

ZORA: Oh I would, but… I’ve been at the top of the list for so long. That’s how you know I’m good! And right now, I’m gunnin’ for that fellow over there… 

RAMSEY: No! <:3

ZORA: (laughing) Ramsey! I gave you an _hour_ to hide behind any object you could find and you didn’t just manage to find one cop, _no_ , you’re cowerin’ behind **_two?!_ ** Aw, buddy… 

PERCY: Why is a bounty hunter pursuing you? It was my understanding that you’d already been captured. 

MERYL: Captured by sheriff donuts and the useless brigade, maybe. 

RAMSEY: Um- (He glares at Meryl for a second) No- yeah- Clearly she is crazy. I have never done anything wrong in my life. Officer? Arrest that woman. 

ZORA: Come on, Eyebrows. You said you know who I am! You’re not seriously gon’ to stand in my way knowin’ what I’m capable of, right?

PERCY: A true officer of the law stands by her principals, no matter the circumstances. 

MERYL: A true medic steps in to keep an officer of the law from getting herself killed. 

ZORA: (whistles) DANG you’re dumb! (laughter) I like it! Alright! If that’s the way you wanna play it! 

RAMSEY: You, uh… You really think you can beat her? 

PERCY: Normally? No. But with Meryl and your assistance, and the power of this glucose-ridden confection, anything… is possible.

RAMSEY: Is it, though? 

MERYL: Are you sure on that?

PERCY: Certainly! We’ll apprehend her, and then move on to our missing Banzai Vice Principal! 

ZORA: Oh? You mean Bibsy Tons-O-Fun? I already took care of him… Wait. Aww, don’t tell me you’re after this? (she pulls out the amulet) 

PERCY: The amulet! 

ZORA: (cowboy cackle) Aww, that is too perfect! This must be FATE! You want the necklace… and I want Ramsey! Tell ya’ what! How ‘bout we duel for it?! Winner take all! Hell, all three ‘a you can fight me at once! That’ll make it more even. Heck, I’ll even match whatever weapon you use! Mano a mano! Pistol to pistol! Ugly rat man vs. the… grossest face I can make while fightin’! 

RAMSEY: I do have feelings, y’know!

HOWIE: (chucking the wrench around) Kindly remove yourself from my construction site. Please. 

ZORA: If you say so! (Zora grabs him by his collar and throws both of them off the tower!) 

PERCY: Howie!

MERYL: Oh god! 

(Howie braces himself for impact!... but there isn’t one. He finds himself floating, suspended in midair.) 

HOWIE: (sighs) Of course. You got an epithet… 

ZORA: Sure do! Give ya three guesses as to what it is!~

MERYL: Your epithet is Sundial! Sundial lets you dial things forward or back in any process. Gravity, erosion, the cycle of the sun, and the lifespan of any living thing you see! 

ZORA: (clicking her tongue) Just gonna out me like that, huh? You’re no fun. 

(Zoras card appears! Who let **_her_ ** be this strong??)

ZORA: But yeah, that’s right! Good job, eye patch! I can manipulate anything with a set beginning and end. Like how long it takes to fall off a building!... or how long it takes for a building to fall. (She leans over and grabs the scaffolding... as she tightens her grip on the steel beam, it rusts and decays! The bottom crumbles, and the structure begins to fall towards the ground!)

RAMSEY: (grabbing Meryl with one arm and pushing Percy away with the other) Move, move, move, move! 

ZORA: _Timbeeer!_

HOWIE: I’m gonna let you get away with that… One. Time. 

ZORA: Duly noted~ (gunshots, shattering) Whoops!~ 

HOWIE: (roars) 

(Howie swipes at her like a bear in a beehive!)

PERCY: Howie, no! Don’t fall for her dupsmanship! 

MERYL: It’s a little late on that one, P.

ZORA: And my personal favorite ability… How close someone is to death. Take your friend here, for instance. 

(Slowly, Howie’s hair begins to grey… his skin wrinkles and sags… and the man ages 40 years in a matter of seconds…) 

PERCY: My god! He’s…

MERYL: _Old…_

HOWIE: Silver hair?... No! I promised I’d work myself to death by the age of 35! Anything less means I wasn’t tryin’ hard enough!

ZORA: Since you’ve done your homework, I’m willin’ to bet you _also_ know that I can imbue my epithet into objects! Like this bullet, for instance. (gunshot. The bullet plinks off a pinecone. Time dilation, wood cracking. A tree grows all the way up from the cone in moments, it withers and disappears just as quickly.) A single hit from one of these and you’re done!... and that’s just no fun at all, is it? That’s why I joined Bliss Ocean in the first place, y’know? Truth is? I _hate_ epithets. I guess I’m a bit of a romantic at heart… I like the idea of “true competition”. Duels at dawn! Battles of destiny! Just two warriors givin’ it their all where the only decidin’ factor is pure, old fashioned skill! 

RAMSEY: Is that why you dress up as a cowboy? >:3 (gunshot) AUGH. 

MERYL: Um! (She shoots Ramsey in the face also! It heals him?)

ZORA: Don’t interrupt. But these days? Skill don’t matter anymore! You can train your whole life and be the best you that you can be, just to get beat by some schmo born with a superpower. That’s why I wanna get rid of these things! You shouldn’t get to be strong just ‘cause you’re lucky. You really think you can stand in my way?

PERCY:... Not like this. 

ZORA:... Oh?

PERCY: It’s obvious that epithet to epithet, I would be no match for you. But… perhaps if… I CAN OUTDRAW YOU HYAH- 

MERYL: P WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

ZORA: tree. 

PERCY: Ah… Well. 

ZORA: Ope! There it goes! There goes the peashooter!... Oh no~ (blows) Oh no… (blows again) (quietly) oh no…~ 

PERCY: That was a gift. 

ZORA: Oh. I’m sorry. I actually feel kinda bad now… 

MERYL: You should feel bad! That was a bad thing! 

PERCY: No no… it’s fine. He fell in the line of duty…

MERYL: What are you… talking about?

PERCY: (sad music starts) It’s how he always wanted to go. (stilted) Oh, Danny boy. The pipes. The pipes. Are… calling. 

RAMSEY: Well. I can see you three are busy, so I’m just gonna- (frantic sprinting) 

MERYL: **_rAMSEY!_ **

ZORA: Welp! He’s dead. Later! 

PERCY: Wait, what’s happening? 

ZORA: Tree! 

PERCY: No! Are you alright, Howie? 

HOWIE: Don’t worry about me. You still got a job to do! 

PERCY: Very well! I’ll be back to get you down, soon! Keep up the good work! Now. Meryl! Let us not delay! Onward, into the fray!

MERYL: Wh- alright, I guess! 

\---- 

(Ramsey panting) 

RAMSEY: Okay! I think… I think I’m safe… for now. 

ZORA: Raaammsey… Where aaare youuu?~ 

RAMSEY: Aw crap! Did she see me!? Of course she saw me, I look like a dollar store juice box! Looks like I’m goin’ bareback! (grunting) (bush rustling) Ah! Back off! I have an art degree! 

PERCY: Ramsey, there you are.

MERYL: RAMS-eyyyy oh my **_god_ ** put your shirt back on- 

RAMSEY: Oh! Hiya, officers! Well… Better caught with my shirt up than my pants down, eh?

PERCY: Yes, it’s much more difficult to run that way. 

MERYL: P, that’s not… Ugh, okay. Are you hurt, Ramsey?

RAMSEY: Yeah, yeah, yeah. C’mon! Let’s get outta here!

PERCY: No, wait. Come with me.

MERYL: Finally. It’s about time that you-

PERCY: I have a plan.

MERYL: What do you mean you have a plan?!

RAMSEY: Y’wanna tell me what it is?... No? Just gonna walk right out into what is clearly a trap? Alright, that’s fine. No, that’s good! 

MERYL: For once I agree with this one.

PERCY: ZORA? Show yourself! 

RAMSEY: Eh?

PERCY: We can’t possibly beat you! Your epithet is too strong! 

RAMSEY: Oh good, yeah I LOVE gettin’ shot!

MERYL: Second only to getting _stabbed!_

PERCY: But! If we come together, mundie and inscribed alike, and face you in a contest of skill, then we can beat you at your own game!

RAMSEY: Listen. Thank you for your help, but really, you’re no longer involved! This is a me problem? 

PERCY: No! It is a WE problem! (cuff’d. Percy, in one fluid motion, hooks two sets of eraser cuffs together, attaching one cuff to her wrist, one to Ramsey’s, and one to Meryl’s. Meryl seems especially horrified, considering the fact that she’s an actual mundie who should not be feeling as off as she is due to these cuffs.)

RAMSEY: What is THIS?!

MERYL: P, what are you DOING?! 

PERCY: Eraser cuffs! Any powers we may have are completely negated! 

MERYL: Then why drag me into this?! I’m a mundie! Percy, you _know_ I’m a mundie! We’ve known each other for **_years!_ **

RAMSEY: So… so what you’re saying is: No trial! Just death sentence, huh? 

MERYL: That’s what I’m getting, too.

(Laughter from the trees) 

ZORA: Are you serious?! 

PERCY: Quite. You said you’d match whatever weapons we used, correct? Then I propose a challenge! An epithet-free battle! Winner gets the necklace, and Ramsey.

RAMSEY: Did you just BET ME?!

MERYL: P, you can’t just _bet_ a PERSON!

ZORA:... alright! Why not? I like your spirit, lady! Let’s shake on it. (Zora spits on her palm and extends her hand.) 

(Percy… spits on Zora’s palm as well. As a show of good faith.)

ZORA: Alright! Close enough!

RAMSEY: Do I not get a say in this?! 

PERCY: I don’t understand why you’re so upset. You don’t have an epithet to lose.

RAMSEY: I. GUESS. I. DON’T. NOW. 

MERYL: I don’t, either, but I’m not thrilled to be cuffed!

ZORA: Alright, here’s the rules: No epithets of any kind. Mundie weapons are fair game. First one to break a rule or cry “uncle” loses. Agreed? 

PERCY: Agreed. 

MERYL: I guess?

RAMSEY: NOOO! Not agreed! Not “I guess!” NOT AGREED! 

ZORA: Great! Guess that means I gotta turn my epithet off. Aaand it just so happens I left some bullets suspended in these woods before the fight, so… Y’might wanna duck! Hyah! (She runs away)

(Percy draws her blade and dances past the bullets, swinging her sword in wide arcs and smacking them away.)

(Ramsey’s cuffed to her arm, so every time that she swings, he just flies back and forth and absorbs like half of the bullets!) 

(Meryl is getting tossed around like Ramsey, but she’s alternating between shooting the other bullets and shooting Ramsey to keep him from, you know, dying.)

RAMSEY: Ow! OW! OOH!!!

PERCY: Remember, Ramsey! You have to dodge the bullets! (Meryl snickers) 

RAMSEY: Yeah! I bet that’s real easy when I’M THE SHIELD!

MERYL: (shooting Ramsey again) shields usually don’t complain so much! 

RAMSEY: I AM NOT WILLINGLY A SHIELD!!!

PERCY: Well, we know, at the very least, that bother Meryl and I are armed. What weapons do you have on hand, Ramsey? 

RAMSEY: (sarcastically) A box of crayons! 

PERCY: Excellent! You’ve already shown off their combat capability! FORWARD 

RAMSEY: (being yanked to the ground and on top of Meryl) AaaaaaAAAAAH!!!!!

MERYL: Oh come _on!_

RAMSEY: (as Percy swings, Ramsey hears something jingling at her side. A small, silver blur dances on her belt.) The key! GIMME THAT!! (He goes for it! Percy is tackled to the ground and Meryl, who had just regained her footing, comes crashing down as well, just as a bullet whizzes overhead.) 

ZORA: Dangit.

PERCY: Thanks for the save, Ramsey! 

MERYL: Iiiiii- almost got shot! 

RAMSEY: (reaching for the keys) Nyeh! Nyeh! Nnnngh! (Meryl casually swats his hand away) 

(Zora skips back and begins reloadin’) (Meryl does the same) 

PERCY: Now is our chance! (Percy picks up Ramsey and begins to spin around to gain momentum!) (Meryl is tugged along and ends up clinging onto Percy!) 

RAMSEY: What!? What?!? What are you doing!?!

MERYL: Percy King!!!

(Percy spins Ramsey round, and round, and then releases!- Sending Ramsey’s noodle body Flying through the air like a hammer toss!) 

ZORA: Agh! Ngh! Get off! (She points her gun at him) (Ramsey spits) S-th-thbt- Bleeegh! 

RAMSEY: I can reload too, ya know! (hocks a loogie) 

ZORA: (spits into his mouth) 

RAMSEY: Bleghdhsdhs, bleeugh!!! Did that seriously just happen!? 

ZORA: Yup! (Meryl tackles her! Two guns go off) Dangit, lady! Would you let me get a shot off!? 

MERYL: There’s only room for one trigger happy person here! (The sound of something falling)

ZORA:... Oh boy. TREE!! 

(They scramble to move out of the way. Ramsey gets more or less crushed. Percy’s sword, the key’s, the amulet’ and Meryl’s gun all go flying!) 

PERCY: My sword! 

ZORA: The necklace!

MERYL: My gun!

RAMSEY: The key! 

ALL: Nnngh… agh!

PERCY: Ugh. If only we had something that could attack over distance.

MERYL: Well, I mean, We **_did!_ **

RAMSEY: I feel like you’re both missin’ an obvious solution, here! 

PERCY: Of course! How foolish of me! (She picks up Ramsey’s crayons and tosses them at Zora!) FACE THE CRAYONS OF CRIME, VILLAIN!

ZORA: (picking up the amulet) Hah! Got it! (a crayon uselessly plinks off of Zora) Ow! What the?... Did you just throw a colour stick at me? 

PERCY: No effect! I suppose one needs a blackened heart to use a blackened weapon. 

ZORA: This is orange! 

MERYL: Maybe if you’d just let me grab my gun-

(Percy chucks another crayon at Zora. It knocks the amulet out of her hand)

ZORA: Ow! (Percy chucks yet another crayon! It knocks the gun out of her hand, this time!)

PERCY: Excellent! Now we can retrieve my sword!

MERYL: Oh, thank god. (She manages to scoop up her gun as they pass it) 

RAMSEY: Forget the sword, c’mon, Perce-officer! (He drags both Percy and Meryl away.)

ZORA: Where’d that thing get to?... Ah! There you are! No! Where’s my other- (gun cocking)... gun 

RAMSEY: (Holding said gun) Hey. >;3

ZORA: Oh, please… You think an amateur like you can hit me?

RAMSEY: No! But She can! (Zora is promptly hit by a shot from Meryl) And I can do this! (He slams the gun into a rock) 

ZORA: Hey! Don’t fuckin’ mess with my guns! I made those! 

RAMSEY: Oh! So breakin’ stuff is only fun if it’s not _yours?_ (he slams the gun into the rock again) Nope! Still fun! I’m havin a ball!

ZORA: I’m gonna let you get away with that… One. Time. 

RAMSEY: Shut up. (he slams the gun into the rock again and it breaks)

ZORA: HrrrrrRAAAAGH!!! (She smacks Ramsey) Ya’ ought notta did that.

RAMSEY: What’re you gonna do? Shoot me? (Zora pulls out a second gun) What were you complainin’ about? You had another one! (Zora bonks him in the face with the butt of her gun) Oh, my face! My horrible, horrible face! 

(Percy loops around Zora so that the cuff’s chain pulls back on Zora’s neck and chokes her!) (Meryl drives her elbow into Zora’s sternum to wind her!)

PERCY: I’m afraid the only necklace you’ll be wearing is the necklace of justice! 

MERYL: Not a bad quip, P.

PERCY: Why thank you!

ZORA: Hragh! Fine… fine! You wanna mess with other people’s weapons? I can mess with other people’s weapons! (she picks up the sword and it begins to glow orange…) 

RAMSEY: Hey… hey, that’s an epithet glow! You’re cheatin’! She’s cheatin’! We win!

MERYL: I don’t think she cares much! 

ZORA: You can’t win if you’re DEAD!! (She slices into a stone with the epithet imbued sword. It disintegrates in seconds)

PERCY:... Oh.

MERYL: OH MY GOD no no no!

RAMSEY: THAT WILL KILL US! 

ZORA: Yup! 

(Ramsey drags Meryl and Percy away, huffing)

RAMSEY: I wish I could remember my stupid epithet! 

MERYL: So you _do-_

RAMSEY: Now is NOT the time! Wait! Wait, I wrote that paper! Oh, where is it? (he digs in his pockets for a moment) There! Wow, really? That’s a pretty good power! 

(Zora bursts through, slicing the paper containing Ramsey’s epithet in the process.)

ZORA: HYAH! 

RAMSEY: Jeez, calm down! Why don’t you just, I dunno… un-break your time gun?

ZORA: I can’t DO that! Because once a process has ENDED, I can’t reverse it! So once I hit the ground, I can’t float back up! And once some jackhole breaks my gun, it’s BROKEN FOREVER!!!! 

RAMSEY: Percy! Unlock the cuffs, damn it, she’s gonna kill us! 

PERCY: She’s too fast! In the time it would take to unlock them, she’d be on us! 

RAMSEY: Don’t worry! I’ll cover you! Meryl, You’re a mundie, right?

MERYL: Yeah?

RAMSEY: Great! Perce, you only have to focus on uncuffing yourself, then! Unlock your end , and once it’s off, build as many of those zappy towers as you can! 

PERCY: But… with my current stamina even two or three would be enough to knock me out!

RAMSEY: Merrie’s a healer, right? How much more healing can you do?

MERYL: I’m pretty sure I only have one left!

RAMSEY: One is enough to up how many towers Perce can build, though! Use that heal of yours as soon as she starts building! 

PERCY: This could still very well end in me being knocked out!

RAMSEY: That’s _fine!_ If this doesn’t work we’re all dead, anyways! Just trust me, I can do this! 

PERCY:... very well!

MERYL: This better not end up in some stupid noble sacrifice type thing! 

(Percy starts to unlock her cuff…) (Zora closes in on her! She aims for the heart!) 

RAMSEY: Oh, this is such a bad idea! PLEASE WORK!!! 

(Zora swings her sword and slices Ramsey’s hand off, taking it out of the eraser cuff by doing so. Ramsey screams)  
PERCY: Ramsey! 

MERYL: Oh my GOD-

ZORA: Well… Not what I was aimin’ for, but that’s fine… Nice knowin’ ya, Ramsey. In a few seconds you’ll be dust! 

(Ramsey’s arm and disembodied hand begin rapidly aging from the wound outwards… but before it goes any further, they both turn to solid gold! It spreads! And Ramsey’s full body turns into a solid gold statue! 

MERYL: What did I JUST say?!

PERCY: No! She’s turned him to GOLD!! Wait, what?

RAMSEY: (morphing his arm back into his body) Oh look! It worked!!

ZORA: What? 

(Scuffling ensues as Ramsey forces Zora into a bear hug!)

ZORA: What? You think I can’t age you just ‘cause you’re metal? Well you’re WRONG! 

(Dials tick around Zora to no avail as she struggles against Ramsey) 

ZORA:... C’mon, what is this?! 

RAMSEY: Quick lesson from a professional appraiser: Pure gold never corrodes! Put it _does_ make for a pretty good conductor… Idn’t that right, Perce?! Take your aim, Merrie! 

(There’s a gunshot as maybe a dozen Wizard Towers pop out from the surroundings. We pan down to Percy as the energy from the towers surges through her.) 

PERCY: Fire. (She collapses, leaving Meryl visible behind her. Meryl fires a bullet that breaks through the electricity of the towers, charging up and almost leading the lighting to Zora and Ramsey.)

ZORA: Aw shi…

(Zora is zapped with a high amount of electricity, first being hit by a bullet. She screams as the electric wave pulses over her!)

(bleh!) 

\---- 

RAMSEY: (turning back from his previously golden state and panting)... hey. Hey, Percy! You alright?! (He leans down to her, looking over at Meryl who is already by the woman’s side.) Here... (He hands her a pine cone without a second thought.)

(Percy supps upon the pined cone) 

PERCY: D-did it work?

ZORA: (sighing) You idiots! You think that was me “usin’ my epithet”?! You ain’t even seen a _tenth_ of what I can do! (deep sigh)... but… I lost. I coulda beat you… but I broke the rules. The ones I set myself. So I’m gonna call this one a draw. You keep Ramsey… I keep the necklace! But you’d better watch yourself, Murdoch. I’ll be comin’ for ya. When you least expect it… 

(Zora vanishes) 

\--- 

(Sirens blare as Banzai blasters are shipped off into police cars) 

CAR CRASH: So, uh… When can we go home? 

GIOVANNI: Shut up, shut up, shut up! Don’t let them hear you! AH! Someone’s coming!... 

PERCY: I heard from Howie. It seems both he and the Banzai Vice Principal reverted back to their original ages. With so many Banzai Blasters wrangled up, it’s hard not to call this a victory.

MERYL: That’s what it is! Other than the fact that we didn’t get that amulet- which wasn’t even why we were here, anyways! We should _really_ go check to see if the Donaldson kid is still here- 

PERCY:... Still. It _is_ unfortunate that we couldn’t retrieve the Arsene Amulet. 

RAMSEY: Actually, I have some good news about that! (he pulls the amulet out of one of his cargo short pockets!) Ta-da!~ Here you go! The genuine article! 

PERCY: How?

RAMSEY: I swapped it with a duplicate when I had her in that bear hug. 

MERYL: I _knew_ there was something fishy about that amulet she was swinging around as she left!

RAMSEY: They call it “fool’s gold” for a reason! 

\----

ZORA: Wait a tick… Wasn’t the gem on this green before? (the fake amulet crumbles into nothing) aW- SONUVA BITC-

\---- 

RAMSEY: Can’t really blame her for not noticing, though. I _am_ a master of forging valuables. 

PERCY: Oh! That reminds me! (CUFF’D) 

RAMSEY: Eh? 

PERCY: Ramsey Murdoch? You’re under arrest. 

MERYL: _FINALLY_. 

RAMSEY: Ah! I think you're confused! Zora stole it… and I gave it back! I’m the good guy! 

PERCY: Yes… today. But you’re also the man who swindled a half-dozen companies out of their savings… to the tune of about twenty-five million dollars? 

RAMSEY: I, uh… thought you didn’t recognize me.

MERYL: It took her long enough, too.

RAMSEY: Oh don’t start, I know _you_ did.

PERCY: I _didn’t_ recognize you. Until I saw your epithet. I remember you from a police lineup a few years back. A man came in to report a case of Golden Buttocks. 

RAMSEY: Ah, yeah. Operation Mid-Ass.

PERCY: You’re infamous for trading large quantities of gold in exchange for company stocks and bonds. Then, days later, your business partners find their “gold” has transformed back into dirt… or worse.

MERYL: Though, your Robin Hood way of thinking isn’t necessarily the worst thing in the world… 

RAMSEY: (springing off of the car he’s laid on) So that’s it? I save your lives, any you two put me away for life? Ooh, some folks got a heart of gold, but the two of youse? Both a youse got a heart of cold!

PERCY: Now, now. Don’t think I don’t appreciate your help today. Your crimes are… quite serious.

MERYL: (cutting in) And numerous! 

RAMSEY: Thanks, I’m aware. 

PERCY: But! None of this would be possible without your help! And… if you’d be willing to put your appraisal skills to use on our side of the law, I’m sure we could negotiate a very… comfortable cell for you, indeed. 

RAMSEY:... Yeah… Yeah, alright! That doesn’t sound too bad. Better than pinecones, anyways.

MERYL: Oh, and, um, Percy? 

PERCY: Yes, Meryl?

MERYL: (smirking) You owe me a dollar.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mandatory Kudos and comments are appreciated!


	4. Unless.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is an ooc chapter because I'm a whole fool.

Hm. Haha what if I rewrote the museum arc at some point? What would you guys like to see added or taken away from that bad boy?

Jk, jk...

_**Unless** _

**Author's Note:**

> Sooooo. What'd'y'all think????   
> For real, though. Please give me validation through Kudos and comments this took a painfully long amount of time to do.


End file.
